There’s this movie called “In Her Shoes.” For those of you who have never seen it, the movie is about two sisters who have nothing in common. One sister is this “plain Jane” who is successful and works for this law firm. The other sister (played by Cameron Diaz) is “the girl next door” and lives at the seat of her pants. Both are trying to figure life out without their mother in their lives growing up. At one point in the movie they’re living together, but they’re just not meshing so they go their separate ways. This movie isn’t exactly a fantastic movie morally speaking. What I like about the movie is what brings these sister’s together is their love for their mother. In the movie you find that at a young age these girls lost their mother. While she was alive she was mentally ill. Regardless of her mental illness, she was something special to her girls. Two scenes that really captured my heart is one you have the sister (played by Cameron) telling her grandma about how her mom packed her lunch, and when she opened her lunch box she found a tiara, instead of the sandwich she was suppose to put in. The other scene involves bother sisters reminiscing about their mom and they remember how special it was that on their birthday when she would go in the room and wake them she would have a cake with candles for them, and would be singing “Happy Birthday”. (Where I got the idea to start as a family tradition.) You ask, where am I going with this?
Let me start with just saying that growing up, getting married, and being a mother was not my idea. The idea of being a wife was tainted, and to be a mom meant to me that I was set up for failure. So I was determined that I was not going to have any kids, and that if I got married, I‘d like to get married three times…that way I could have three weddings, and three different dresses. GOD had a different plan. So I went to college thinking I was going to go into hotel management and during that time I heard GOD’s calling that I was going to be a stay at home mom. What is even more unbelievable is that I became a preschool teacher soon after that. I found that I truly have a gift working with kids, and I love it. When Jeff and I got serous about getting married, things got dark. I knew GOD’s calling to start a new legacy in our family lives was going to truly start taking place and it was a scary thought for me. I don’t take the job of being a mother and wife lightly for my hope is that my GOD will say, “well done good and faithful servant.”
In this past month of our first week since I found out we were having another baby it had been one hard week. Don’t get me wrong; we are thrilled to grow our family. You see, before I had my son Isaac, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). So, of course I went to counseling in hopes to get help to become a better wife and mom. The goal before having Isaac was one, to make sure I didn’t go into Post Partum Depression. Two, was my personal goal, which was to have my joy back in life. I felt like my joy had been robed by my past. If you know the story of Isaac in the bible he was Sarah and Abraham’s promise, and from one pastor, I remember him saying that his name means laughter and he was to bring joy. Wow, so amazing because if you know my son, he is such a joy. When Isaac finally came (after 58 hours of labor) it was such a joy; however, I slowly declined into Post Partum Depression. So I had to make the decision weather or not to go on anxiety medication. After serious lack of sleep, and terrifying thoughts of hurting my son, and becoming violent with my husband, I knew I had to do what was best for my family, and that was to go on medication. Now we’re having another one. I wasn’t sure if the meds I was on would hurt the baby so I had gone off the meds until I met with my doctor. Let me tell you the decline is not fun. I met with my psychologist and praise GOD. I can stay on Zoloft.
I share this story in hope for those who may feel alone, or ashamed of things they may be struggling with in life, to take courage. Being a mom is one of the greatest jobs and hardest jobs to do in life. Don’t feel alone, and don’t be ashamed to bring darkness to light. As long as it stays in the dark it will continue to eat away at you. For a long time I felt ashamed and sometimes I still do. I feel like, if people know they’ll never trust me with their kids. However if you bring it to light with even just one person, you will be set free. Don’t be afraid to get help or take medications. They’re there for a reason.
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